Back to the Start

I haven’t been doing a very good job of staying on track lately. Life has just been coming at me fast. Lots of stress and drama and no time to slow down and be me.

I went to the take back the night march yesterday. It was fun! We got all dressed up and these little high school girls came up to us and were so stoked on the theatrics. Afterwards we drank some wine and had a dance party in the park. It was fun!

Work work work work

I have been working very long days lately. It’s tiring, thus the lack of posts. Yesterday i finally had a day off and I just vegged. Didn’t even leave my room except to pee amd microwave some food. I finished American Horror Story: Hotel and The 100. Almost caught up on Series of Unfortunate Events, too. It was nice to just cuddle with Asa. I cleaned my room, too. Spending all that time alone was good for me. Helped my brain deal with the backlog of thought

I bought a little succulent on Sunday after work. It’s for my bedroom, I am trying to work on that space of the house more. For the sake of it just being somewhere that I enjoy being. My retreat. 

Centering and Looking Forward.

Today so far has been calm. Woke up, made a healthy breakfast, watched a couple episodes of American Horror Story. I’m watching Season 5 right now, Hotel. Then I took a shower and got ready and now I am headed to work.

The thigh of my jeans is starting to snag, I hope it doesn’t rip at work… or at all. I am in need of clothes. I was very limited on my bottoms amd now the thighs are ripping out of all of them. Agh. I’ve gained weight in the last year so I really don’t know what size I am in pants an it is frustrating to have to try on like 4 different sizes and even then the brands’ sizing are different.

My partner has been really supportive of my need to draw inward. He enjoys spending quiet nights with me. I think he also likes going to bars and such alone. I’ve been keeping my room much cleaner since I’ve been spending more time in it and now it is set up very nice. Everything vacuumed and put away. Last night I even washed my bedding. I love it. I feel more centered.

I guess I am in a place of prioritizing myself. Fuck everyone else, my needs matter and anyone else’s opinion on them is irrelevant because they just do not know everything going on in my life and head. I’ve been having dreams about my abusive ex again. Not nightmares, he’s just there and I don’t want him to be. I don’t know how to take this. The nightmares all made sense. He was stalking me and in my dreams he was chasing me and I couldn’t get away. These don’t make sense. He’s just there and no one cares. It is extremely unsettling. However, I know that I am strong amd I can weather whatever he has to throw at me.

I am starting a new job tomorrow. I need the money, it should be good. My roommate has worked there almost a year, and her boyfriend longer than that. It seems pretty chill. Only thing is I’ll be working 9am to 4, then bartending nights. Ugh… not a morning person. The pay is ok, though. You get a 50c raise every 3 months, too. I think it will be good for me. Try to just bank $$ until I work the cleaning job in July/August. After that I should have at least $1500 saved and Jon and I can take a vacation and I can get a car. Goals! I just need to keep focused. With a car I can get a better paying bartending job and start saving towards our farm. 🙂

Getting on My Level

A friend recently said it is hard for them to bond with me because they never see me. Yet I tend to find that hanging out with this friend requires much more socialization than just them. Sometimes I simply have no desire to do that, and I don’t understand what would bother them about snacks amd netflix from time to time? It can go both ways.

I cleaned my bedroom today. Also got the tv set up and washed all my laundry & bedding. Bedroom is cozy now. Everyone kept trying to get me to hang out and drink with them but I just wanted to watch tv in my room. New favorite past time. I’m going to be working 2 jobs starting Wednesday. Sometimes from 9am to 10:30 pm. I think I will want to relax more.

Alcohol and the introvert

Went out last night. A friend was in town for the night who i haven’t seen in like 2 years. She had to leave kinda early but it was good seeing her. Ran into a couple other friends, went back to their place and smoke. Good talks and folks. Alex gave me a new scarf. For the most part I stuck to small groups within a crowded bar, and kept my consumption under control. I tend to combat the excessive stimuli with shots to the point that I get really manic and spend way too much money. Not a good combo. Last night was good, though.

There’s a bunch of weird drama and selfishness going on on the home front. I am at a loss with the best way to deal with it but imma try my best. It’s absurd because when confronted with a lot of hurt this person has fostered in me they immediately made it this big drama with crying and “I ruin everything” and blah. I intend to attempt to talk through this with this person but them immediately making it about themselves is an issue. Idk.

The travel mug I used for my tea today tastes like coffee. Blegh.