Centering and Looking Forward.

Today so far has been calm. Woke up, made a healthy breakfast, watched a couple episodes of American Horror Story. I’m watching Season 5 right now, Hotel. Then I took a shower and got ready and now I am headed to work.

The thigh of my jeans is starting to snag, I hope it doesn’t rip at work… or at all. I am in need of clothes. I was very limited on my bottoms amd now the thighs are ripping out of all of them. Agh. I’ve gained weight in the last year so I really don’t know what size I am in pants an it is frustrating to have to try on like 4 different sizes and even then the brands’ sizing are different.

My partner has been really supportive of my need to draw inward. He enjoys spending quiet nights with me. I think he also likes going to bars and such alone. I’ve been keeping my room much cleaner since I’ve been spending more time in it and now it is set up very nice. Everything vacuumed and put away. Last night I even washed my bedding. I love it. I feel more centered.

I guess I am in a place of prioritizing myself. Fuck everyone else, my needs matter and anyone else’s opinion on them is irrelevant because they just do not know everything going on in my life and head. I’ve been having dreams about my abusive ex again. Not nightmares, he’s just there and I don’t want him to be. I don’t know how to take this. The nightmares all made sense. He was stalking me and in my dreams he was chasing me and I couldn’t get away. These don’t make sense. He’s just there and no one cares. It is extremely unsettling. However, I know that I am strong amd I can weather whatever he has to throw at me.

I am starting a new job tomorrow. I need the money, it should be good. My roommate has worked there almost a year, and her boyfriend longer than that. It seems pretty chill. Only thing is I’ll be working 9am to 4, then bartending nights. Ugh… not a morning person. The pay is ok, though. You get a 50c raise every 3 months, too. I think it will be good for me. Try to just bank $$ until I work the cleaning job in July/August. After that I should have at least $1500 saved and Jon and I can take a vacation and I can get a car. Goals! I just need to keep focused. With a car I can get a better paying bartending job and start saving towards our farm. 🙂


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